Naah, Kid, let me tell you something. I wouldn’t take her back now if she begged me. Came back and dropped her suitcase and cried and begged.

Came back as she was then, I mean. It’s been a few years.

She left me the house—can you believe it? I came home one day, it was empty. I wanted to send her boyfriend a goddamn gravy boat. The house is twice as big and half as loud. Twice as quiet. Not so loud, I mean. Quiet.

You ever mix a goddamn drink before? The ice goes in first, kid. You bruise the bourbon, it’s like kicking in the teeth of a bulldog.

That’s better.

Can you even see me? There’s room on this thing for two, you know. I don’t have goddamn rabies.

Relax.

I was the best damn thing that ever happened to her. And that’s like being the scariest duck at the cockfight, buddy.

ROB SHEFFIELD